S2 Power Rankings, Week One
Got it — I'll rewrite your text in a friendlier, more playful tone that matches the approachable style of your previous power rankings. Here's the revised version:
8th place: Gag City Splitters
(Consensus rank: 6th)
No offense but these fuckass bitches do not have what it takes to win. The Splitters, as their name suggests, have put all their eggs in the 'pitching' basket. And with the price of eggs these days, the Splitters don't have eggs to waste. Or pitches. Because on a team with two Nokis and two Yoshis up to bat, every pitch counts. Who in the ever living fuck on this team is going to hit bombs? Or hit ANYTHING? I've had enough of Wiggler wiggling on that mound—I hope he can reproduce asexually on that mound. The Splitters desperately need some extra batting. Even worse, there's a rumor that the "six run" curse has been transferred from the Fireballs to the Splitters via Baby Daisy.
Nobody can deny the pitching power this team carries, but despite Wiggler's dream of one billion strikeouts, I fear the Splitters will be the first team to be shut out of a game.
I dig the new name though!
7th place: Banana Blitzers
(Consensus rank: 3rd)
You may be wondering why a team ranked 3rd by a panel of college-educated voters is ranked 7th by this author. And the reason is very simple: I am not college-educated.
No, just kidding. This will be a recurring theme for these rankings: I know better than all of you. You are all wrong. And this team is ass.
They are objectively worse than last season. Their batters have lower averages and are even less consistent than before. (How is that even possible?) The reign of Blitzers making playoffs is over.
Ever heard the children's rhyme "Five little monkeys?" Banana Blitzers: I earnestly beg you to stop jumping on the FUCKING BED!!! What frustrates me most about this team is their choice of batting implements. Funky Kong—who reminds me of former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev—uses a literal surfboard as his bat. Can you imagine?
And Donkey Kong uses NOTHING!!! That is no way to lead a team. Banana Blitzers, GROW UP!!!
6th place: Goopier Goons
(Consensus rank: 1st)
The Goons are stuck with Baby Luigi this time around, who is so bad he's still a rookie in his second season. Goomba, gargantuan graduate of the Gooners' player development program, has found a new home where he is apparently valued much more, as we will see in today's game. I don't care how good the rest of the Gooners' team is. Baby Luigi has a job to do, and by God, he's going to do it. Or should I say he's gooning to do it?
5th place: Marvelous Mangiones
(pre-trades Consensus rank: 8th)
If you're surprised to see the Mangiones this high on the list, you're not just dumb—you're stupid. To quote the legendary Remi Wolf, "What's better than two girls, two cups," or in other words, what's better than Mario Mario? Obviously, the answer is Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. The dynamic duo. The batting brothers. The green goblins. The greatest generation.
The Mangiones have also obtained a Kritter—traded to the Dolls I mean Splitters for Baby Daisy. Seems like a fair trade to me. With a powerful starting rotation of the Marios, LBY, and Blue Kritter, I expect the Mangiones to hit BOMBS. Or should I say BULLETS?
The only issue is this wack ass silly billy back-half rotation. I forgot Paragoomba existed. The flying outfield is interesting but its efficacy remains to be tested. In any case, the Marvelous Mangiones are the most slept on team this season—BY FAR.
4th place: Penguins
(Consensus rank: 4th)
The loss of Bowser has been a devastating blow to the Penguins. And their subsequent degradation from 1st to 4th is something the Council and I fully agree on. But there's a bit of magic to this team that won't be snuffed out just because they lost their captain. "Failure is a learning opportunity," it is often said, and with that in mind, is there anyone who's learned more than No Hit Sherlock's former captain, Bowser Jr.? Call it advanced scouting or call it nepotism, I really don't care. But this team still has plenty of fight left in them.
3rd place: No Hit Sherlock
(Consensus rank: 2nd)
Last season, No Hit Sherlock were this year's Colorado Rockies. The worst team in baseball, and it's not even close. But wait—what's that sound? I hear... cheering. I hear thunderous applause. Yes, like the Rockies, "America's team" still averages 30,000 fans per game. It takes more than baseball knowledge to earn such a title. It takes knowledge of people. Everyday people. It takes providing an incredible experience to fans. Not just that—it takes understanding the human soul.
And now, No Hit Sherlock is going to understand what it feels like to WIN! They drafted BOWSER FIRST ROUND! That's right. Our league's very own "Shohei Ohtani" is going to spend the rest of his natural—and unnatural—life on No Hit Sherlock. Rumor has it that they had to bring on Jacob as a CFO due to the staggering amount of revenue this team will bring in.
HOWEVER. I think it takes more than drafting Shohei Ohtani into a shitty team to place 2nd or 1st on these power rankings. But other than jumping from 8th to 4th, I'll be damned if their games aren't twice as fun to watch.
2nd place: Snail City Baby
(Consensus rank: 7th)
I will not be silenced. I will not be silenced. I will not be silenced. I will not be silenced. I will not be silenced. I will not be silenced.
Why the fuck was I ranked seventh? You forgot that I upgraded my team in draft. Snail City just keeps getting better and better. And now that the league has equalized, Snail City is stronger than ever. We drafted Toadsworth just for fun. Besides, I finished third in the last regular season—EXACTLY how I ranked myself week one.
I don't want to hear a single word from anyone about how I ranked myself second. I know seventh is far from second, but I'll still beat all these teams in seven seconds.
Don't fuck with Snail City or I will kill you. Birdo noise
1st place: BLACK SHEEP!!!!!!!
(Consensus rank: 5th)
You know I had to do it to em.
"The reports of [their] death are greatly exaggerated." Black Sheep is about to have a truly thunderous season.
"But George," you may say. "Not only did you put Black Sheep first last season, only for them to miss playoffs, but you've gone and done the same thing again, potentially cursing them to do equally poorly this season."
Do you think I care? Do you really think I care? I do not care. Besides, you know I'm right. It's so much closer of a competition this season. Admit to yourself the truth: I may be right about this. Okay, I can see I'm not convincing you very well. It's time to bring out the crown jewel of evidence.
Here's the thing. It's Petey. Petey the Diva. He struggled last season. Maybe a team too full of Hammer Bro's toxic masculinity was affecting his performance. But that's why we have more than one season of Mario Super Sluggers. Who does Petey have on his team that could be a better influence? If you were thinking Waluigi, you would be right... I just know they're going to be two peas in a pod. As it was foretold by Doechii in her song Swamp Bitches:
Doechii "Bottom Feeder" to Doechii "the Don Diva"
Walking over [CENSORED] and bitches, then kick my feet up
This week's power rankings brought to you 100% by George