Power Rankings, Week Three
We've played our first eight games of the season. How are the teams looking?
Being the author of the biweekly power rankings is not an easy one. Two games per team is not quite enough for most people to rank them confidently. But the author is not most people. He was able to set his ego aside and do what needs to be done:
8th place: Banana Blitzers (same as preseason)
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, professional boxer Mike Tyson bought three tigers as pets. He once said, "I wanted a pet that could match me in ferociousness and strength." One day, his favorite tiger tried to eat a woman. He had to give up the tiger.
Another dangerous animal to keep as a pet is a monkey. Yes, they are intelligent, emotional, and social creatures, just like the Blitzers GM, but they are also very aggressive. They are unpredictable in their rage (also like the Blitzers GM). They bite people. They destroy furniture, open doors, and slam them shut. They shit everywhere and throw feces around your house.
The Banana Blitzers are going to learn the cost of having five monkeys on their team, including, in the words of the Blitzers GM, a "cracked-out monkey uncle". We can only thank God that Baby DK is safe in the care of the District Dolls, who are proving to be very responsible and ethical stewards of the young primate.
7th place: No Hit Sherlock (prev. 6th) (down 1)
No Hit Sherlock is an interesting case where their name has predicted their game. Waluigi has begun to "look like the league's biggest stinker." Baby Luigi has fielded decently but his batting makes him look more like Infant Luigi or maybe Unviable Fetus Luigi. Either way, he is definitely the team's weakest link. The Bones might be able to find their stride but someone needs to slap the baby a few times and make sure he's still alive.
Another issue is their fielding, which still needs to be sorted out. Keep an eye on Waluigi, who may be moving to first or third base instead of shortstop. This could help immensely considering the huge number of hits to left field that soar by his long, skinny arm. By week three, No Hit Sherlock are the clear underdogs of the league.
6th place: The Sunshines (prev. 5th) (down 1)
The Sunshines have had a disappointing performance so far. But why? In a way, their games have mirrored those of Snail City: a crushing defeat week one followed by a closer game week 2. The author believes the issue is their batting: Mario and Pianta don't have the oomph required to match the performance of the higher-up teams.
The combination of Baby Mario, Baby Daisy, Blue Noki, and Toadsworth is looking like an unfortunate artifact of a draft gone wrong. Only time will tell if this team can find their footing, but lessons have been learned in the draft department. One keep slot has already been traded to Snail City and we might even see more keep slots traded away towards the end of the season, in exchange for some much-needed relief in batting.
5th place: Goopy Goons (prev. 4th) (down 1)
The Goopy Goons, who have started calling themselves the "league's biggest villains," are looking more like the league's biggest frauds. They have not had to play against any difficult teams so far. They will crumble when faced with anyone vaguely threatening and everyone in the league will cheer when it happens.
Unfortunately, it will take more than one game to prove this; being defeated by the league's #1 team, Black Sheep, in the third week will not be enough.
4th place: District Dolls (prev. 7th) (up 3)
With the acquisition of Peach in exchange for Red Pianta and a keep slot to Snail City, the District Dolls have cemented themselves as the greatest pitching team in the league by far. Wiggler's unexpected rise to pitching fame was a true shock to everyone, including possibly Wiggler himself. While the Penguins and the Blitzers have an ace pitcher each, it still doesn't match the depth of the Dolls' pitching.
With some decent hitters, and dinger potential in much of their lineup (but especially Wiggler), the author believes the Dolls are a true threat to the top three teams in the league, and a championship win is not impossible for them. Can their pitching and fielding hold off the legendary lineups for long enough to get a few runs in?
Only time will tell.
3rd place: Snail City (same as preseason)
Some may wonder why Snail City is still in the top three, especially after two convincing losses. The answer is simple: Snail City has been the most active team in the league at addressing shortcomings within the lineup. They have executed risky trades in an already strong lineup in order to solve those problems. Additionally, they have practiced hard in quite a few scrimmages against random teams in order to test the effectiveness of their new positions.
If Snail City achieves their first win this week, many will consider it an upset. Careful readers and followers of these rankings should understand it will not be an upset at all.
2nd place: Penguins (prev. 1st)
The Penguins are monsters, both literally and figuratively. It's hard to imagine them losing a single game this season. Not only are the Kritters are the best infielders in the league, but they both have homer potential, with two home runs and six RBIs in only two games. Fire Bro has been off to a slow start, but Boomerang Bro has picked up his slack with no problem. THREE MAGIKOOPAS have shown solid fielding, batting, and pitching performances. Even Shy Guy got himself a homer and two RBIs.
Bowser, of course, is the perfect capstone to this team. His speed and command of the ball place him in the top three pitchers of the game, easily. Every at bat, the fielding team pees themselves a little bit.
Why are they second place? Every team, even this one, has their weaknesses. And as dazzling this team's strengths are, they have a blinding effect on the darker vulnerabilities this team has already demonstrated, as careful watchers have reported.
The higher you climb, the harder you fall.
1st place: Black Sheep (prev. 2nd)
Forums on the dark web have began placing bounties for Hammer Bro, forcing Black Sheep to invest in a full security detail to accompany him to all games. Eight military surplus armored vehicles have been provided to Hammer Bro, his security detail, and his teammates. (Paragoomba got stuck with a Cybertruck.)
It is still extremely close between first and second place in this league. But Black Sheep have a clear advantage: Their dynamic composition. It pays to have a team of brutes, as the Penguins have demonstrated. But some players on Black Sheep actually have wings which is great. Blooper can ink all over his opponents. Maybe he'll give the Goopy Goons a real reason for that terrible name.
The pressure is on for Petey Piranha and Dark Dry Bones to match the batting performance of Hammer Bro, after which this team will be unstoppable.