Power Rankings, Week Six

Jun 15, 2025

Brought to you by Aman & Ethan, this week's guest authors!

This week had everything. We saw members of the league get doxxed, heard slurs yelled at players, and even witnessed the complete collapse of a team mid-game.

8th place - No Hit Sherlock (prev. 6^th, down 2)

AMERICA’S TEAM.

7th place - Sunshines (prev. 8^th, down 1)

The Sunshines have shown that they have perhaps chosen the biggest stoner in the whole entire league as their first pick, who, as we all know, is Mario himself. Despite being the face of the game—and who many would consider to be the main character—he has consistently shown over and over to be entirely horrible at almost everything. He has ended up being so bad that the only stat that he doesn’t share with his baby self is a slightly higher RBI. With the Sunshines’ only wins being against the No Hit Sherlocks, the Sunshines seem to be sitting comfortably at seventh place.

6th place - District Dolls (prev. 5^th, down 1)

After one of the biggest fumbles I have ever seen, is it time to call the DDs the District Dumpsters?

The District Dolls started off hot, taking off and pretty much running away with the game. Witnesses report hearing the crowd chant “Wiggler was wiggling on that mound”, and for good reason. He kept the game out of reach until the princesses decided they wanted attention. And attention they got. Daisy and Peach self-destructed on the mound, giving up a total of 9 runs in one inning. The fans are calling it the Royal Flop, the biggest disaster in Fireball history since the Sunshines drafted Mario first overall.

5th place - Snail City (prev. 7^th, up 2)

While this team has historically risen and fallen (perhaps due to some bias by the writers), I believe that Snail City’s place in the power rankings has finally stabilized. Despite this team being called the worst of the league by almost every player at one point, Snail City still seems to be winning more than many have expected them to. 

4th place - Black Sheep (same)

Blooper pitched his first game of the season, and to no one's surprise he was trash, giving up 5 runs in only 3 innings. Thankfully Luigi came in to mop up Blooper’s remains, only giving up 1 run for the rest of the game. At this point in the season, Luigi seems to be the only living player left on the team. Everyone else is irrelevant. Hammer Bro was hitting well but disappeared the last two games. Petey, at only 4 home runs so far this year (with 3 of those being against the worst team in the league), is looking like the true Black Sheep, in every sense of the term. A freak... a disappointment.  I can't do this… it's so hard to be harsh on a team when you are just a nice guy.¹

3rd place - Banana Blitzers (same)

As a totally unbiased fan of the Banana Blitzers, this team needs a lot of work. They struggle against the top teams and look destined to fail when playoffs come. 

Anyway, now that I got that out of the way...

The Banana Blitzers are clearly the best team in the league. You might be asking yourself, “If they are the best team, why did you place them 3rd? blah blah blah”. Well, my not-so-smart partner wanted these power rankings to have some “integrity” and be “actually good”, whatever that means. Donkey Kong is the best hitter in the league, sure—you could look at stats and argue otherwise, but real analysts use their gut and make controversial takes to stay relevant. 

They might have lost by 14 points this week, but you know what they say: “When things get hard, I get harder.” (Andrew 2025).²

2nd place - Goopy Goons (same)

“Your word is Goons.”

“Can I get the definition?”

“One who is completely and miserably addicted to **** but embraces it and loves it.”

“Can I hear it in a sentence?”

“The Goopy Goons’ Manager probably goons to their team’s games.”

G-O-O-N-S have shown themselves to be a team that can consistently do well against whoever they go up against, and even though they don’t have a perfect record (after being destroyed by No Hit Sherlock), they have constantly beaten the people previously above or right below them. They had a historically low number of runs last game, though this seems to be par for their games against the Black Sheep so far. Whether or not they can continue this trend by beating the alleged “best team in the league” next week will cement their position in second, at least until they go up against the Penguins.

1st place - Penguins (same)

I guess if no one else is brave enough to say it I will. The Penguins are on STEROIDS!!! I am 100% certain after watching this week. There is foul play involved. The Penguins had an incredible week with 10 home runs led by Bowser who went 5 for 5 with 5 home runs. As long as Bowser is not pulling a Barry Bonds³ he is looking like a lock for MVP.