Power Rankings, Week Four
Brought to you by Elise, this week's guest author!
After a memorable week and several upsets, the league has had it’s biggest mixup yet. Three down-to-the-wire games had the crowd screaming, crying, shitting, throwing up, and calling for public executions. We saw plenty of firsts: a successful stolen run from the Dolls, a two-time-over would-be mercy rule loss from Snail City, and a win(?) from the Sunshines(??????).
Also, of course, your new guest author promises a fresh set of eyes on the lineup without any direct conflicts of interest. For once. The real reason why no major sports outlet doesn't employ women commentators is not a product or sexism. Nah, we can just verbally rip a bitch to shreds in ways deemed too extreme for public broadcasting. Some have described the author’s coke rants as “casting spells.”
Are you ready? I hope so. Let's get into it.
8th place - Snail City (prev. 3rd, down 5)
A recent study from Duval & Stankiewicz (2025) has advised the scientific community that humans should not trust anything their mind tells them after 9:30pm. Studies have shown a sharp decline in the areas of the brain responsible for decision making and higher cognitive functioning. While further randomized trials will be needed to confirm these findings, Snail City’s trades appear to be consistent with scientific consensus.Â
The late night trades have given significant upper hands to otherwise underperforming teams, landing Snail City a Pianta-Noki dynamic duo on a team that otherwise cannot properly support them.
Even with the pink elephant in the room (the dueling pussypop diva duo) being responsibly separated in the trade, Birdo still couldn’t lead her team to an offensive victory. Without a clear anchor on the mound, Snail City’s defense turned into a masochistic game of Musical Chairs. They may have keep slots in spades, but that, of course, begs the question: Are there any players on Snail City worth keeping?
After trading away two of their statistically strongest, Snail City has put the final nail in its own coffin. If they manage to secure the 7th place rank, the author will be impressed.
7th place - No Hit Sherlock (no change)
Perhaps they were foiled from draft. Perhaps their shotcalls need work. Perhaps the best thing going for No Hit Sherlock is that everybody’s expectations for them are already in the ground. Perhaps that is the only reason their position has not changed since last week.
Week three’s game was admittedly closer than anyone could have seen coming. The team has managed to at least avoid a double-digit run differential, which will forever be enough to keep it from the bottom slot. The biggest silver lining: once you’re in the ground, there’s only one direction you can go. This game should be enough to remind No Hit Sherlock’s dopamine receptors that there is still something worth pursuing in this world after all.
The greatest strength about having nobody believe in your team, is that nobody will feel disappointment for you. Only love. That’s exactly what this team deserves: our love and unwavering sympathy. No Hit Sherlock is charming in a creepy, disheveled kind of way, like how you might feel about a stray dog with a missing hind leg.
6th place - Sunshines (no change)
A divisive and decisive victory for the Sunshines this week following the Red Toad’s welcome. A stellar performance from Baby Daisy promises infield prowess and bargaining power (Dolls or Blitzers, mayhaps?) And that’s before the attempted home plate steal. Future matches will reveal whether or not Baby Daisy can show this team how to get to Sesame Street.
In spite of this team’s upswing, their ranking has not changed—their performance against any team outside of the lowest quartile has been disappointing, still. We’ll be keeping our eyes on the Piantas. On paper, the team has all the makings to play for keeps. The author is also hiding with her head in her hands with every slap hit.
Nothing will ever recreate the lunacy of Baby Daisy attempting a steal. There will only be one first time steal in the league's history. There will never be one again. And Sunshines, that glory is all yours. Nobody can take that from you.
5th place - Banana Blitzers (prev. 8th, up 3)
The previous author of the Power Rankings had some grudge against the Blitzers. And unjustly so. Outfield chemistry and infield tongue-slingers, combined with two massive hitters makes the team the perfect well rounded. They’ve clambered (pun intended) their way up from the bottom of the totem poll.
Last week’s victory against the Dolls is a testament to that. Everything went right for the Blitzers, but this fact is also the team’s greatest limitation. Under perfect conditions, the team managed a single run edge over a middle-of-the-pack team. The powerful batting lineups in the Western conference may make the team fade into obscurity in the playoffs. The team is also home to 3 of the league’s worst overall batters.
All this to say: the Blitzers have all the conditions for mediocrity, and the numbers to suggest they don't even make that mark, either. But everyone loves an underdog story. We’ll all be waiting for next week’s rematch. We’ll all be watching.
4th place - District Dolls (no change)
Readers may disagree with the author’s decision to keep the Dolls this far up in the ranking, but the thing these queens have going for them is their consistency. Newcomer Peach pitched an 8-inning game, and with Daisy fixed at second base, their fielding is still one of, if not the best that the league has seen. So far, each of their games has been close, and their +2 run differential stands testament to that.
This consistency also applies to their biggest drawback, which is their total lack of offensive power. Now that the rest of the league has titrated their infield, a slap hit towards shortstop will no longer be enough to keep up with the monsters on the podium. To slay the house down, you gotta ditch the Birkenstocks and put on your Diva Boots. Hopefully, the princess duo will have enough star power between the two of them to allow for some runs batted in. Because that's about all this team has going for them.
Wake up girls. You've got a league to win.
3rd place - Goopy Goons (prev. 5th, up 2)
“League's Biggest Frauds” is a heavy handed statement coming from the previous author, who is still in the Intensive Care Unit after getting his ass beaten into next Saturday. The Goons are marching on as one of the league’s big 3. Aside from having the most unfortunate name in the league by far, there is little to complain about with them. They're batting fairly well, but not too well; they're fielding is good, but not too good, and it's all been enough to keep the team at a 100% success rate.
This is the team that is likely to see the most variability of all. It is tough to place them, given that their victories occurred on the least threatening of teams. Their successful run in with the Black Sheep can be explained more or less by random error (p ≥ 0.5). Which isn't to say that they haven't earned a higher spot.
We just need to watch and wait. Well, most of us. Their captains are emulating their games ahead of time. We might as well just skip them this week and take their word for it, right? :^)Â Â
2nd place - Penguins (no change)
After misusing the quote for the last three weeks, the author finally has this to say:
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
The Penguins look like the biggest threat on paper, because they are. During week two, they boasted a +17 run differential, which has more than doubled over the span of one single game. And the author need not remind you that the accumulation of these runs were scored against the same team.
Also, fuck the Kritters. Me and the homies hate the Kritters. If you looked up “deadbeat” in the dictionary, you would see a picture of the Kritters. They don’t have a car, or a house, or a place on their own, or bills to pay, or a full time job, or a full size mattress, or a girlfriend. They have never felt the love of a woman and perhaps never will, because their only friend is a ruling-class tyrant who isn't even on their team. It’s no wonder they are so goddamn good at fielding because it's the only time someone bothers to look at their crocodile lookin’ ass. Their lizard brains go brrrrrrr and they dive head first into the dirt. Catching the ball in their stupid dinosaur arms is a happy little accident.
Anyway. This team is a powerhouse, and everybody already knows it. Every other captain was shitting themselves during draft and are still shitting themselves now.
1st place - Black Sheep (no change)
They fumbled. Plain and simple. And what happens when you fumble the pigskin? You pull yourself together. Nobody’s doubting that the Black Sheep are built tough and ready for whatever the world brings them, as long as Hammer Bro isn't hitting snooze and missing the moment.
Black Sheep has had their crown taken this week, but they are still at the number one spot. A flawed batting lineup cost them last week, but it’s a simple fix in the grand scheme of things. They are solid behind the bat and solid in the field. Let's see if the Sheep can fix their crown before the Magikoopas wave their wands and take it straight off their head. Their anticipated showdown with the Penguins next week will be the moment of truth.
Uneasy lies the head…