Power Rankings, Preseason
8th place: Banana Blitzers (Peter & Anika)
The Banana Blitzers are off to a rocky start with the mismatch selection of random Kongs, Toadsworth, Goomba, and Blue Yoshi. Why they further weakened themselves with the acquisition of two more Yoshis in exchange for Toadsworth and Goomba, I do not know.
The chemistry for the batting order revolves around the Kongs, but only DK has any power to work with, which is why the Blitzers sit at last place in the preseason power rankings.
If the Blitzers can manage to optimize their fielding positions, they might find strength in an semi-average defense.
Upon further reflection, the Blitzers' draft performance was so terrible that it actually improved the experience for everyone else. Their planning and methods were so bizarre that other teams actually had more options and flexibility to choose from. On behalf of the league, we thank you, Banana Blitzers.
You may not win a single game, but your sacrifice will live on in our hearts forever.
7th place: District Dolls (Elise)
The District Dolls are what I expected every team to look like: An odd mismatch of players with a good balance of strengths, but no standout players, and a decent amount of chemistry. The Dolls may find a strong batting order with their combination of babies, Yoshies. Keep an eye on the chemistry combo of Noki and Pianta in the batting order.
In the field, the Dolls are screwed. The babies are terrible fielders. The Yoshi family isn't much better. Thankfully, they drafted a killer throwing arm in Pianta, but he lacks chemistry with the rest of the team, which is critical for fielding. Keep an eye on who the Dolls pick for their shortstop; their SS performance will serve as an indicator of the Dolls' success ceiling this season.
Last but not least, the Dolls lack any pitching strength whatsoever, and will likely need to switch out their pitchers every inning, further complicating the fielding positions. While they will surely lose to our top-ranked teams, what happens when the Dolls face teams like the Blitzers is anyone's guess.
6th place: No Hit Sherlock (Aman & Ethan)
The only reason this team isn't lower on the rankings is because their draft experience was hilarious. I don't think there's more than four people who share chemistry in NHS. Weak fielding, batting, pitching, running. This is truly a wildcard team.
If there were rankings for a team's troll level, NHS would take first every single time. They may not make playoffs, but this team is sure to give us the funniest games by far across the season.
The player to watch on this team is Baby Luigi. He is the glue holding them all together.
5th place: The Sunshines (Jarod)
The Sunshines cooked with this draft. Getting first pick with barely a few minutes of notice is not easy, but the Sunshines were extremely creative under pressure: They passed over several objectively better picks in Petey, Birdo, and Bowser in favor of Mario. Why? It's very simple: the Sunshines want to play baseball on their own terms.
Building a team with good chemistry is not going to happen at first pick, but it's 100% mandatory if a team wants any chance of winning the season. By picking the best worst captain, the Sunshines forfeited any power players while guaranteeing their choice of perfect chemistry.
Coming out of draft, the Sunshines are the first team that actually makes sense, with great batting, a good outfield, and a solid infield. However, they aren't without their disadvantages. Even after acquiring Toadsworth from the Blitzers, the Sunshines' weakest position is pitching. Toadsworth and Mario together will take them to five innings on average, after which their defense will need to perform very well to prevent games from running away.
If this humble rankings writer may make a suggestion, it is for the Sunshines to shift their better pitchers to the bullpen and put an average or below-average pitcher on the mound to start.
4th place: Goopy Goons (Patrick & Madi)
I hate this team and I don't understand it at all. Frankly, it's a goofy ass team, and it deserves to die. The Kritters can die. King K. Rool can die. Yellow Magikoopa can die. King Boo is okay. Monty Mole can die too. That rat.
The reason this team is fourth place in the rankings is because I think they are going to hit dingers. And stupid Yellow Magikoopa is going to wave his wand and catch any line drive to left field. What more could you want? I am sorry to report that this team sucks and it's still going to do good. It's unfair by all measurements.
Have you seen the Joker movie? Want to hear a joke, Murray? What do you get when you cross a bunch of mentally ill players with a manager who abandons them and treat them like trash?
You get a team that makes no sense, hits dingers, and places fourth on the preseason power rankings for some reason.
You get what you fucking deserve.
(I wrote this before I knew the name of the team.)
3rd place: Snail City (George & Peggy)
Snail City may seem like the underdogs of the league, but great care was taken to build the best team possible. I have to give them credit for their... interesting drafting strategy. Birdo in round 1 immediately followed by Peach in round 2. What on earth were the managers thinking? "We're gonna make the pink team! OWO!"
Do they not know the ancient lore?
The negative history between Birdo and Peach is well documented. Drafting them together is like drafting both O.J. Simpson and whoever killed Nicole Brown. Or like drafting both OJ Simpson AND Nicole Brown. You get what I mean. It is not going to end well. Let's jump to an interview with the players to see how they're feeling ahead of the season.
We spoke with Birdo after a preseason game. "Birdo, you're co-captain with Peach this year, which is interesting given your shared history. How are you and Peach working together, what is your strategy for figuring things out?"
"It's on sight. If that pastel lookin bleach blonde bad built butch body bitch so much as looks at me. It's on sight. I will not stop fucking her up."
Peach's comments featured a more diplomatic tone. "I have nothing but respect for Birdo and everything she stands for. I really do. With that being said, if she fucks up on the field, if she walks Baby Luigi—frankly, if she doesn't throw a no-hitter I'm going to kill her."
"It's really that simple. I'll kill her. I stay strapped. I keep that thing on me. Why do you think I run so fucking weird? Yes, it's pink."
Drafting Peach and Birdo enabled Snail City to double their options in terms of charisma. The batting lineup is nearly seamless, turning the average hitters of the Toad family to dinger machines. And they run fast, too. In the outfield, Peach has perfect charisma with the Toad family. Birdo has perfect infield chemistry.
But Super Sluggers aficionados will note that the infield and outfield are not separate domains. Key throws from the outfield to the infield are required to stop runaway games. Will the two domains be able to pull it off, or will benches clear several times this season? Will Snail City players take the championship, or take Birdo and Peach to the hospital? (In separate ambulances, of course.)
We have made our way to the elite section of the rankings. These two teams are both so good it's hard to say which is truly better. Nevertheless, I am a very good analyst so I was able to pull it off.
There's only one thing you need to know: if you're scheduled against either of these teams, start praying to your God. If you don't believe in God.... well.
There are no atheists in dugouts.
2nd place: Penguins (Aayush)
I originally placed the Penguins first on this rankings list. And then I checked their fielding lineup on the Fireball League website.
Maybe they'll prove me wrong. But it seems they have a lot to prove.
1st place: Black Sheep (Andrew & Jo)
In 1697, black swans were discovered living in western Australia, reversing centuries of their assumed nonexistence. This is different from Black Sheep; we knew they existed. But until 2025 we did not realize they could be this powerful.
The Koopa and Dry Bone family, plus Boo (widely considered the Shohei Ohtani of Mario Super Sluggers), is enough to put this team at 4th place. They could play as a five person team and still beat the lower-ranked teams on this list. Put Boo on the mound, Hammer Bro as catcher, put a man on first and third, and have one outfielder. Boom. The Banana Blitzers just lost 41-6. And they tied the Gooners in a nail-biting 3-3.
"George, did you run these as preseason games beforehand?" No. I just know what I'm talking about.
Anyways. This is not a five-man team. This is a nine-man team. And one of the mans is Petey Piranha. The Tyngsborough Fireball League is not ready to play baseball. Nobody on any team is ready to play baseball. Petey Piranha is ready to play baseball.
Some call him the Aaron Judge of the league—no, the world. Some call him the Babe Ruth of Sluggers. Neither of those are true.
Black Sheep are going to win every single game this season.
Because Babe Ruth is the Petey Piranha of real life.